The Beautiful Tapestry of Redemption

 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

-Matt 7:7-11

 After just blogging today about the importance of confronting idols of the heart, I found myself faced with a couple of my own and definitely not wanting to confess, repent or turn from them. I was feeling incredibly anxious, so I was talking to my fiance, Jordan, about it. He asked me why I was anxious and suggested I ask God. I paused and internally asked the Lord why I might be feeling anxious and I got the strong sense it had to do with the ways I have been handling my finances which I had felt convicted about for quite a while but have been struggling to actually change deeply-ingrained irresponsible patterns. As we then talked about how I should deal with that and what I thought God maybe wanted me to do it occurred to me, it's not just money, it's relationships, it's time, its...a lack of faith. Tears started streaming down my face as I confessed to Jordan that I was having a difficult time trusting God in a lot of areas of my life, as even my sleeping has been very disrupted by nightmares and other spiritual attacks. I had grown weary of asking God to bring peace, and provide me with relief, and rest. In many ways I had stopped trusting. As a result of this lack of trust, I had been trying to figure out how I could control all these things outside of my control which leads to anxiety and frustration and more of a desire to be in control. Add people-pleasing to this and even the smallest decision seems like a mountain. Even tonight I was having a difficult time trying to decide whether I should go to a friends wedding shower, go to the women's small group I'm a part of or just go work out. Personally, I just wanted to go work out, not deal with people and quite frankly working out makes me feel better about myself. At least temporarily. Jordan looked at me with his usual tender concern. "Have you asked God what to do?"

     "Well, I think so." I answered somewhat automatically. "Actually, I don't know, maybe I haven't."

 "Leeanne, you know that He will give you an answer, right?" I didn't know whether we were talking about the evening's plans or my life in general.

 "Yeah I geuss, I just feel like it's hard to know what God is saying, I so often assume He is just going to ask me to give up exactly what I want. That He will just say 'no'. I think I have this warped belief that God wants to take away what i love."

"Do you really think that's true? That God wants to take away all the things you love?"

"Well.." I answered slowly, " Only if I love them more than Him."

"Well that's true. But isn't that only because loving them more than Him isn't their proper place. That's not what they were made for." Jordan answered quietly. I was about to answer but stopped and whispered a prayer in my heart.

"So, Jord if we are always supposed to do what is most glorifying to God, then I know if I go work out I will feel better for now, which will likely reinforce the lie that I feel better when I work out which causes me to put my hope in myself, my physical appearance, or in that activity instead of God. If I go to the wedding shower I know that I won't be very comfortable because I don't know a lot of the people so I know I won't be super edifying to those who are there. But when I go to the small group it always brings life to me and also God has used me in it to bring hope to others. Ok that's definitely what I should do."

Jordan just smiled, knowingly like he had figured all along what I should and would ultimately do. Then he furrowed his brow and said, "Leeanne, you have to be desperate. it's not just about this. It's about all those things that distract you from God. From money, to the future, all of it. You have to go to Him and nothing else, otherwise you'll keep getting crushed by the false hopes you place your trust in. You need to pray and pursue Him like He is all you have. Because He is." I began down my path of defensiveness that usually awakened when I am confronted.

 " But I am desperate, I don't think it's dependent on how I pray but on God's power."

 "Well yes of course but God knows when our hearts are sincere. And he is so much more interested in the motives of your heart than in the words you say. Just keep seeking Him"


We continued talking for a while and reached the conclusion that Jordan definitely was making some wise points but that I really needed to believe in the goodness of  God as a Father I was going to be able to pray with the kind of desperate abandon I need to and truly trust in the One I pray to. After Jordan left I went to  small group and as soon as I got there I was introduced to a new woman I had never met before. I didn't think much of it as we started our John Piper lesson on fighting for joy. Even as we listened to the sermon together I felt my heart softening to God's word. Piper was talking about the importance of reading great theologians like John Wesley and Martin Luther and John Calvin to keep our minds and hearts freshly filled with the vastness, majesty, and beauty  of God. He then talked about the importance of recognizing persecution as divinely appointed and understanding the reality of the suffering the early church martyrs underwent as well as our Christian family all around the world. When we hear their stories, we too are impacted in such a way enables us to more fully grasp that Jesus truly is worth everything, even our very lives. I felt humbled and awakened as I soaked up the teaching. After it was over the new lady in our group asked a question that shocked me, "what is sin?" I had assumed we were all Christians there and that everyone in the group knew the answer to that question. This wasn't the case I started to understand as we began discussing this, that she was not a Christian and had just been invited to start coming to this small group and knew virtually nothing about Jesus. We talked to her about how sin is not just the 'bad' things we do like lying, stealing, cheating, etc but that it is the natural heart condition of mankind. That we have a bent in us towards darkness, that the human heart truly is full of wickedness and it's out of this wrecked state that we sin. This of course led to discussion of our need for a savior, because without seeing how wretched we are we don't see how needy we are for Christ. The next thing she asked was more about the context of different sin, and how wevcan know if we sin. At that point our small group leader discerned that we needed to make this evening's group a testimony night. She began by telling her story and then we went around the room as each woman shared the story of her salvation.

God rocked my socks off. The stories I heard of brokenness  abuse, neglect, addiction, hopelessness, despair and the incredible trans formative power of the Gospel left all of us in tears. The depth, breadth and reality of the Gospel swept through that room with uncanny authority. I saw glimpses of my own stories in each of the ladies' lives and was brought to my knees reveling at the mercy and grace of our God. One girl's story of adultery in her marriage and the reconciling power of Christ had her crying as she spoke only not out of anguish, as I was expecting, but rather out of complete awe at the profoundly beautiful work of God in her marriage that left her saying " I wouldn't trade any of it for the world." Oh that I would go through suffering, betrayal and pain yet proclaim, "If this glorifies Christ and makes me more like Him, it was all worth it." When I shared my story I cried though much of it, feeling a renewed sense of profound gratitude for God's mercy and a deep sense of His love in the depths of where we all had come from, and where He brought us. There wasn't a single story that didn't have the resounding imprint of God's sovereignty all over it. None of us are His by mistake. We're all mysteriously woven into the tapestry He is creating with our lives.  As the evening ended with prayer and hugs a new kind of intimacy lingered in the room. The kind of intimacy that bleeds out with vulnerability. The kind that unites hearts and binds lives together. And as I looked around in reflection of the night God had given me simply in His grace as I chose to trust Him in such an incredibly small way, and chose to reveal my desperation for him to a few women equally desperate for Him, I was freshly awakened to the goodness of my heavenly Father. He does give good gifts to His children, maybe not what I think I want, but His will always has been, and always will  be, far better than mine.

Lord in all situations, take my desires captive so that they become what you desire. Then fulfill them. You are my delight. (Ps 37:4)

My thankfulness is without measure. What a generous God.