So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6:31-34
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ
- Philippians 3:8
So I worry a lot. It depends on the day but sometimes it's a constant hum of worry like the sound of the dishwasher running in the background. Not enough to jolt me alert, but enough to drown out the sound of the birds or a roommate talking in the next room. When I worry like that I get kinda numb to it, barely noticing it. but it's enough to drown out life's music. And the voice of the Father. On these days I just live in the hazy shallowness of my unsteady breathing and drink in the sighs that come in like ocean waves. It just feels normal. But then there is the panic worry, this is like a tidal wave that is far more poignant than the dishwasher. It's more like a fork in a blender. It's jarring, alarming and overwhelms all other sights and sounds.
It is only this last year that I have really recognized that these types of worry are really just two different levels of not trusting God. The hum-type worry is usually the fruit of way too much focus on myself, not nearly enough focus on Christ and certainly not enough attention to loving those around me. It's the blind kind of worry that causes me to overlook most of the blessings in my life and see only the potential for loss on the horizon. Either way it takes my focus on my Father, the Provider, and puts it on me. It's a pretty suffocating way to live and sadly it's the norm for many.
The second type of worry, the fork-in-blender kind is much more abrasive. When this kind of anxiety hits it's not only difficult for me to see all the God-gifts in my life but it also creates this paralyzing tunnel vision that enables me to only see all that has happened in the past that hurt me or gone wrong and all that could possibly happen in the future to harm me. It's when I am gripped by this type of worry that I tend to make decisions that are either foolish or just straight up disobedient to God. But either way I know that living in a state of constant worry, or being seized by furious storms of worry is not the way Christ calls us to live.
So how do I go from worrying obsessively about things last year, next month, and twenty years into the future to not even worrying about tomorrow? And not only that, but considering all things worthless compared to knowing Christ? Well I am definitely only in process. I was thinking today that while we are incredibly privileged to live inNorth America, because we never really wonder how we will get our daily sustenance, at the same time it seems that true, risk-taking, trust in God is a lost practice. Because we don't have to trust God for where our next meal will come from (which I don't by any means think would be an easy thing to do) we tend to think we have the rest figured out too. Where should I work? Oh I got this covered. Who should I date? I'll figure it out. How should I spend my money? However I want.
It is so easy to fall into this self-reliance, call it independence, which our culture entirely exalts, and then wonder why we are grasping for control of every square inch of our present and future yet crying out to God asking Him why He has abandoned us.
God is completely in control. So why do we fight for it so much? If worrying can't add a single hour to my life, how many hours does it actually end up taking away from me? From you? I am constantly baffled by Paul's letters to the different churches because many he wrote from prison, as one who was completely persecuted for following Christ. Yet His Greatest Joy was knowing Christ. He may have been the one in chains but he was a lot freer than most of us our. Worrying is the opposite of trust and I would say worrying crowds out joy because in order to worry, we have to stop making Christ our primary joy.
I have always loved the passage 'Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be added." Because it's so simple. It means the only thing I need to avert my tension to is seeking God and seeking to be a part of bringing His kingdom to earth and He will ensure the rest is taken care of. This is essentially the same as Paul's words about forsaking all things in order to gain Christ. It's the upside-down kind of command the Bible is full of. And it's so opposite of what all the other messages are saying. I was talking to my mom tonight and she was worrying about some work she needs to finish tomorrow, and yet rather than resting she was trying to get a head start. I do this all the time. And usually all that happens is that I get myself so worked up trying to be in control that I feel in less control than ever and less reliant on God. It's safe to say it's impossible to trust God and myself at the same time. Quite frankly our wills far too often collide for that to be effective. I have heard it said so many times 'just trust yourself, you can do it! Believe in yourself!'
Well, no thank you. I know myself pretty will and I have done some pretty untrustworthy, unbelievable things. But God, on the other hand is completely trustworthy. I can fully believe in Him. He actually is worth putting all my faith in. So why do I constantly go back to seeking to build my own kingdom with my own hands instead of putting down my pathetic Lego blocks and allowing God to build that which will stand? I guess its the same pride that caused Satan to fall. I think I know better. So I better admit my thinking is broken, so I can fall right into Grace. And rest, I need that too.
Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
2 It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Psalm 127:1-2
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