All is Grace: Thoughts on Marriage

“…And the two shall become one flesh.”

The hardest thing about becoming one in marriage isn’t facing the imperfection in the other; it’s facing the deep imperfections in yourself. The ones you have been running from your whole life. It’s like suddenly they’re there every time you look in the mirror of your lover’s eyes, staring back at you relentless in their obviousness. No hiding now, all the ugly you always fear was there, is. In all its hideousness.

Let someone love you?
 The messy you?
 There? The places buried deep?
 The places you don’t even want to let Light Himself go even though you know he would disburse all the darkness?
Let another person into all the unglorious mess of your wounded heart?

Impossible.

All my proud defenses, the ones I’ve constructed and nurtured with delicate care prevent this at all costs. The cost of protecting my heart means I stay in here alone.

Tear up those old foundations constructed in the heat of battle to keep the enemy out?

I can’t. I won’t.

Even though everyone has become an enemy and I’m all alone here?

Still not convinced it’s worth it.

 Let someone tread on the troubled waters of my hidden broken heart? How can I?

The little girl hiding behind the hardened eyes of the woman she became – the woman she had to become to survive the darkest edges of broken humanity – fights to peek out. But she can’t.

Intimacy pushes hard, an unwelcome guest in a house with no windows, determined to rescue the little girl before she hardens into the identity of her protector, gone forever, trust no longer an option.

 It can’t survive without Light.

Love presses against fear – urging grace to soften pursed lips, to quiet the raised voice and calm the furrowed brow.

  “Put away your weapons He urges, I have won this already.”

Yet even the threat of stepping out from behind these fortified walls terrifies. Holding onto the outstretched hand would mean unclasping these cold, numb hands held together in anticipation of the next bout of gunfire. The ceaseless battle.

How can I let go? When clutching on with my own strength is all I’ve ever known to do?

When voices shrieked and my heart was torn, my hands found each other and I managed to force myself to stand, even though I wanted to collapse. It was then I swore I’d never hold another hand again. Not when all the hands I’d held were hands were used to wound me, irreparable. Hands used to climb inside my soul and rip out the flowers. Hands used to plant lies and weed out truth.

But that happened when I used to trust. Now, I don’t

I don’t want to leave. Even though it’s cold,dark, lonely, I fear feeling the warmth of Light and losing it more than I fear staying in the dark. I locked myself in here and now I can’t seem to get me out.

Christ never forces Himself in either. He simply stands, promptingly outside the door, drenched in Grace with hand outstretched. At the same time I can’t seem to say no to Him.

Somehow I know if I can’t take His hand I’ll never take yours. We’ll never become one. If I can’t let the transforming Light of His perfection melt away the darkness of my iron walls how can I let you in knowing in this covenant you can, knowing you will, hurt me?

It’s all Grace.

If I don’t accept Christ’s hand of grace, let Him past all my defenses, I know the Light flickering deep within-  the Hope that held on – will die. And I’ll just echo darkness.

But Grace persists.

So what do I do? I know I can’t let Him in and I know you’re locked out too.

Desperate I cry, “You’re grace is sufficient for me.”

And Grace tears down the door.

Ashamed I hide myself, my ugly fear, hatred, distrust, my pride.

 But He sees it all anyways.
And there is Love.

That is Grace – even seeing all the ugliness of the beloved, He loves her still. Because the only thing that can make ugly beautiful is Perfect Love.  Grace sees and transforms. He accepts you as you are and then demands you surrender all of it to be someone new. To be His.

Only here can Love exist.

Only here can Covenant be kept.

Only here can I stumble feebly towards you.

Only held by grace can I let you hold me in.

True Intimacy follows His grace – His grace extending into yours and mine

We can only Love each other soaked in the miracle of Grace.

I can only let you see my tattered heart knowing He’s making it new. That in Him it already is perfect, because He is so.

I can only show you my vulnerability, my frailty, my weakness, knowing He is making me strong and in Him I already am so.

I can only show you the weed-filled garden of my soul, knowing He is pulling the weeds and planting beautiful flowers that grow in the floodlight of His care, and in Him my soul is beautiful.

Here Love can abide- and outstretched hands collide in the twilight and Light bursts forth, the Sun is coming and we are here – you and me in Him –This is the only place we can be One.

Marriage to an imperfect person will only succeed if we are first united to Christ, for He is our Perfection.

I Love you, Jordan.

 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—  for we are members of his body.  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
-Ephesians 5:25-31

We the CHURCH

"The Church is Plan A. And there is no plan B."

-David Platt

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on this idea of the Body of Believers being the actual 'Church'. Growing up the church was always referred to as though it was a building. We would ask eachother questions like:
"What church do you go to?"
"How big is your church?"
"Does your church have good music?"
"Do you like your church? Cause if not you should come to my church"?

Or to unbelievers:
"Have you ever been to church?"
"Want to come to church with me?"

You know what I'm talking about... we all talk like this....and deep down most of us know the church isn't really a building... or do we? Recently as I have reflected on what the actual "Church" is I have been struggling with what we are portraying it as to those outside and to those inside. The message we are sending to people outside of the Church is most likely, and seems to be the message we are believing within the Christianity.

How many people do you know who call themselves Christians because the "go to church" on Sundays? How many people believe that's all Christianity is?
How many people have left a building and ended up leaving the "Church"?
How much disunity is there between "churches" of different denominations?

My point is when Jesus said to his disciple, Peter referring to his calling "... on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it." (Matt 16:18) I don't think Jesus was referring to a whole bunch of buildings where people meet once a week. He was talking about a movement of people who, like Christ's disciples, learned to be disciples and make disciples of others.

In Acts, the Holy Spirit comes upon the group of disciples meeting in prayer and the "Church" begins to grow - however there were some distinct markers that identified Christians:

" They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." (Acts 2:42-47)

\When you use words like devoted generally what does not come to mind is people who meet together once a week to sit as audience members in a building, rush home to their real priorities and forget all about "church" until the following Sunday. Clearly in Acts the early members of the church saw conversion and discipleship as an all encompassing life-call. I mean, imagine if rather than just seeing people once a week we saw each other every day. Imagine if someone had a need we didn't go to some "fund" for those needs but we all dug deep into our pockets. Imagine if we weren't known as Christians because we "attended Church" but because we Were the Church. Imagine if we didn't settle to pour our resources into a building but instead sought to build the kingdom of heaven all around us. What if in whatever vocation we were in - be it doctor, lawyer, server at Red Robin, insurance broker or mechanic - we lived as the Church serving and loving and inviting in people wherever we were placed. What if Christians weren't known for their judgmentalism, their hypocrisy and their half hearted 'devotion' but were known for their love, their their generosity to all people, what if Christians were known for being like Christ. It seems to me that we, the Church, have forgotten that Christian means "Christ-like" and have started thinking it just means we try and live marginally more moral lives than the unsaved. 

My desire isn't to bash the "church" it's to remind all of us what the Church is called to be. If we stay safely hidden in our buildings an denominations we will cease to be the salt and light and love in a dark, aching, broken world desperately in need of the light of the Gospel. It begins in each one of us - a stirring up of dissatification at living a marginally "American Christian" life and a desire to live a life of passionate devotion to the Gospel that is fleshed out in a radical commitment that demands every square inch of your heart and your life. 

I will leave you with this excerpt from a letter to an emperor during the second century of the early Church. This is the way a non-Christian talked about Christians - how humbling and challenging is it to think of how far from this we have drifted. I pray you are challenged but also encouraged. We are called to be the Church - so let us be it.


"Christians cannot be distinguished from the rest of the human race by country or language or customs. They do not live in cities of their own; they do not use a peculiar form of speech; they do not follow an eccentric manner of life...They give proof of remarkable and admittedly extraordinary constitution of their own commonwealth.  They live in their own countries  but only as aliens. They have a share in everything as citizens and endure everything as foreigners...
They love all men, and by all men are persecuted. They are unknown, and still are condemned; they are put to death, and yet they are brought to life. They are poor, yet they make many rich; they are completely destitute  and yet they enjoy complete abundance. They are dishonored, and in their dishonor are glorified; they are defamed, and are vindicated. They are reviled, and yet they bless; when they are affronted, they still pay due respect. When they do good, they are punished as evil doers; undergoing punishment, they rejoice because they are brought to life. 

To put it simply: What the soul is to the body, the Christians are in the world. The soul dispersed through all the members of the body, the Christians are scattered through all the cities of the world. The soul dwells in the body but does not belong to the body, and Christians dwell in the world, but do not belong to the world."
(A letter written by a tutor of emperor Marcus Aurelius Antonius A.D. around 140 A.D)

We the Church Are the Hands and Feet of out Savior- so let us embrace this broken world with His loving arms. We have to do this together. For by our love people will know we are Christ's disciples.

What to do when you aren't Thankful or Hopeful

I haven't blogged  in a while and here's why:
 In the last two months I left my church and friends and home in Vancouver, Canada and moved to the small city of Wenatchee, Washington to get married and begin a new job and a new life. There are two ways of looking at this scenario: one involves noting all of the loss involved with so many life changes; a church, a job, friends, a home, a beloved city. Another perspective involves noting all that one is gaining; A husband, a family, a new church, a new job, a new city...

Well I have viewed the transition through both lenses. Initially, in anticipation of all the change I was thinking only of what I would gain. I was of course incredibly excited to get married, to move, and to start a new job in ministry. However, this tunnel vision enthusiasm kept me from even considering all that I would be leaving behind. This kind of denial-laden enthusiasm breeds disappointment. Although the things I have gained are very good things, even good things God gives us can be ridden with trial and difficulty so if you're expecting cloudless sunny skies it can be quite a shock when you get thunderstorms. Needless to say, the last couple of months have been somewhat painful and I've ended up drenched by the storm.

After Jordan and I got married I woke up and realized I lost a lot when I thought only that I was gaining much.
 I realized I lost dear friends who have journeyed with me through tears and laughter. 
I realized I lost a city filled with memories of home - a place that was more of a home to me than anywhere I had ever lived.
 I realized I lost a Church where I had gone deeper with God than ever before in my walk with him.
 I realized I lost a job with kids I cared very much about and co-workers I loved.
And these realizations devastated me...and I completely forgot what I had gained...

This devastation completely crippled me - making me unable to see all that the Lord was giving me even as he had just taken from me. My pursuit of finding joy in precious moments of gratitude and looking for the light in every shade of darkness began to fade quickly. I stopped even looking - seeing every hue and color as darkness without a spark. It's remarkable how much of a discipline gratitude is. Without it, it is so easy to just follow the currents of my heart. And those currents are always flowing downward. Spiraling towards compromise, towards despair, towards unbelief, towards selfishness. A life of faith and gratitude is all about swimming upstream, and so when discouragement overshadows trust in a Sovereign God, it's easy to forget one of two things: that He is in Control or that He is good. When I cease to cling to these truths hand in hand I cease to trust God because I am not seeing Him for who He is - I am rather seeing through the lenses of my circumstance and thus am trying to trust a god of my own making rather than the God of scripture. When I do this I have stopped swimming altogether and am letting myself be swept away by the undercurrents of a broken world and a heart etched with sin.

"But He gives us more Grace"... (James 4:6)

So in this place of doubting God, trusting in myself, and living blind to the manifold blessings God has given me... He showed up. As always.
 He showed up in the form of some incredible friends who love the Lord and who came alongside as and loved us.
He showed up through nights stayed up late with friends in passionate discussion about leaving everything  for Christ and following Him
He showed up giving us people with whom we have unity in prayer.
He showed up by giving me such dissatisfaction in my pursuit of selfish things that I could do nothing less than run to Him and His Word.
 He showed up in the Power and Conviction that Scripture speaks in - cutting through bone and marrow right to my wayward heart.
He showed up in the revelation that  He is always good and He is always Sovereign, and I am always His.

Once again I am humbled by the truth of Scripture... that He Loved us first. I never earn or figure my way out of sinful mindsets and selfish choices. I never open my own eyes to see the light of His Truth. I never suddenly want to trust in Him when I have chosen to doubt. He is the one who rescues me. That was true when he saved me and it is true of today. And it will be true of tomorrow. In my desperation I simply have to turn my face toward Him and by His grace, He will come.

 The prodigal son didn't come home because he suddenly wanted to be righteous. He came home because he was starving, filthy, desperate and willing to go work as a slave for his father just to survive. The Father didn't receive Him home for his pure motives - He received Him with joy because of Who He is. When we choose to return to God - and it is a daily return of the repentant life we must remember He is overjoyed simply in the returning. He will do the rest. He will change your heart. He will do the redeeming. And He will do it all in Love.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20)

So as I go empowered by His promises, by His rescue, by His Spirit I will see the world through the eyes of grace. For though we are by no means promised everything will be easy - in fact we are promised things will be very hard - We are promised He will always be with us and will empower us to be faithful because He is always Faithful. I don't suddenly not miss everything I have lost, but as much as gratitude is a choice I must choose to live thankfully for what God has given me here and now. If I focus only on the things I have lost I will forget to love the husband, friends, church, and town God has entrusted me with. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder than I pray that regardless of circumstance, I would behold everything around me through the eyes of God.

My prayer for you is that you would...

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thess 5:16-18)

Child of God clothed in Christ.

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children."
Romans 8:14-16



Tonight I was trying to decide if I would go to an evening service at Tenth church or go spend time with Jesus at a bookstore. (I love finding a corner in a book store, choosing a C.S. Lewis book and journaling.) I had a day that was pretty empty-feeling, but full of worrying a lot about the future, mostly about things I can't control. All day I had this lingering feeling that I should spend time with God - just stop doing and practice just being. All the doing wasn't helping anyways. But I put it off, believing the lie that what I was 'accomplishing' was more productive than spending time with the Creator and Sustainer of all things. Real bright I know. As I was trying to decide if I was gonna go to Tenth, even though I went to church already this morning, I tried asking my heart what it needed. "What do you need?" I yelled inward. (if that's possible) I decided I needed alone time with Jesus. But then on my way to the bus stop I realized one of the main feelings I had was loneliness  I had been on my own much of the day and I realized I just needed to be with some people. So I headed to church. The body of Christ is to build each other up right? I only caught the last half of the sermon and communion, but I realized I really love this. I love the practice of communion because it is sharing in the body of Chris with the body of Christ and it really does unite us. Also I got to see a lot of great friends and give and receive hugs and talk and be listened to. I felt loved. "Oh heart, this is what you needed." I love spending time with God in the word, or writing or praying or listening to sermons online. These are all great things. But I can never neglect the importance of spending time with other Christians - sharing in their joys and struggles and inviting them into mine. 

I got home from church and a few friends came over to hang out with my roommates and I joined. I was chatting happily with one friend about the ins and outs of learning to love and communicate with my fiance and was saying how even though we have arguments and have to sometimes fight through issues, I get to see so much growth and change in us both. It's one thing to go through relational struggles and get no where. It's another to be moving forward and on to new heights. She nodded in agreement and then said "Yeah, and maybe most powerful of all, really knowing you're loved completely changes your perception." I agreed quickly that it did but I noticed my mind immediately went to how in the same way, if you don't know your loved that also really defines your perception. I know I naturally went there because this is something I frequently struggle with. Really believing I am loved. By God and by people. 

After the conversation ended I went to my room and kept twisting those poignant words around in my mind. Chewing on them but not quite ready to or sure how to digest them. How often do I really feel loved? How much do I assume I am not? How much do I feel defined not by love but by rejection? As I whispered these questions to God I realized that much of the angst I feel both in my own heart and in relationships with others is because I am so quick to feel like I can lose my belovedness. Now I know people are fickle and sometimes they show affirmation and affection while other times they leave you feeling totally shafted or rejected. But even then I would say there are those steadfast people in our lives who really, truly love us and who's love doesn't change with their emotions. However, even though there are steadfast, loving people, even they cannot help me retain my sense of identity as being beloved. Because none of them actually have the power to make me someone who is defined by being loved. Only God can. 

Maybe the opposite of fear is love. 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Cause if there is no fear in love then one could assume you cannot both know you're loved and be fearful at the same time. As I reflected on situations where I was fear rejection from a friend or want to avoid certain people in my life I realized I was not believing I was loved, which made it impossible for me to love them. It's essential as a core identity to believe I am an adopted child of God completely and entirely loved if I am going to be able to give or receive that love from others. What an empowering feeling it is to be loved. It's a paradox because it is humbling to receive love from a God knowing you're unworthy of it. Yet at the same time I never feel more joy or empowerment than when I receive this gracious gift. 

So maybe it's like this. Even though I have gotten dressed all of my life when I get up in the morning, I still have to get dressed again tomorrow. Similarly, even though I learned today (and many yesterdays) that I am dearly loved by God, I will need to remind myself again tomorrow. I guess that's why we are called to put on Christ. It's kinda a daily thing. If I want love to define me, I need my Christ-clothes on. (Romans 13:14)

Travels to Stillness

"Be Still and Know that I am God"- Psalm 46:10

Recently my  fiancé and I went to visit his family in the states and as we were riding bus and train to arrive I had a few profound moments of stillness and realized how much I have been lacking the precious gift of pause. Since I have returned I can't say I have suddenly or dramatically started cherishing those free moments I can rest in God's presence, generally I choose worry over trust caause it's more comfortable. Like an old shoe, holes and all. My prayer however, is that I will be able to learn the practice of letting go by being still before my Maker. Whether I am traveling or not. I wish the same for you.

 So this post is what I wrote during our travels. 

This peace is extraordinarily unique, the kind of CS Lewis novels and late night strolls. Wind whipping the trees as they sway in sync with each other. Birds settle in nests, Jord reads his Bible commentary occasionally asking my opinion on the text he is working on. I read slow, happily distracted by scenery and sunshine, this is peace and it's calm with enough movement that my heart feels still, I feel fret-less. We drive away from rain-drenched Vancouver, the bus leaving behind all that's cloudy and grey. All worries of yesterday and tomorrow. Other than moments of flirting and laughter, threatening each other with paper cuts from our books, Jord and I are just enjoying each other's company. Embracing the moving stillness. I love that about traveling. I love that it feels ok to just be, to read, write, or just sit without feeling any urgency to rush elsewhere. Because I'm on the way to where I need to be. I always feel God more in these moments too. No wonder He is I Am, for it's in these moments of pause I actually get to soak up his presence, his bigness, His now-ness. The fluffy white cloud puffs bubble up over the horizon and we know we're adventuring away from the dark. Music rings fresher notes than I'm used too, my headphones seem clearer, more crisply delivering melodies. 

These moments of still, the unrushed being, the quiet appreciation of another and the pause. These are rare moments indeed. But are they not rarer than they need to be? Why do I not get still before God whenever I have the chance? How often when I'm alone do I race to Facebook or email or other pointless busting activities instead of to the quiet and calm of just being with God? Why do I feel the need to fill all my time with friends and fiancé with activities and doings that cause me to miss out on just enjoying their presence. Appreciate their essence. Do life next to each other. I think a huge reason for this is my innate tendency toward restlessness. I put so much stock in productivity as a source of value I forget where my value truly comes from an I forget to go to the source of True Productivity. Knowing I'm His. Knowing He is mine, and knowing I can be still long enough to know He is God.So I sit back and sigh, drinking in the quiet and the still movement. I whisper a prayer and the thankfulness streams out.

501. His red plaid arm beside mine
502. The hum of the bus
503. Vivid Blue skies peering through puffy clouds
504. Henri Nouwen's insights into ministry.
505. The joy of remembering God is here. And now.
506. The whole of life beckons, we're never alone.

Learning Trust

 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6:31-34

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 
- Philippians 3:8

So I worry a lot. It depends on the day but sometimes it's a constant hum of worry like the sound of the dishwasher running in the background. Not enough to jolt me alert, but enough to drown out the sound of the birds or a roommate talking in the next room. When I worry like that I get kinda numb to it, barely noticing it.  but it's enough to drown out life's music. And the voice of the Father. On these days I just live in the hazy shallowness of my unsteady breathing and drink in the sighs that come in like ocean waves. It just feels normal. But then there is the panic worry, this is like a tidal wave that is far more poignant than the dishwasher. It's more like a fork in a blender. It's jarring, alarming and overwhelms all other sights and sounds.

 It is only this last year that I have really recognized that these types of worry are really just two different levels of not trusting God. The hum-type worry is usually the fruit of way too much focus on myself, not nearly enough focus on Christ and certainly not enough attention to loving those around me. It's the blind kind of worry that causes me to overlook most of the blessings in my life and see only the potential for loss on the horizon. Either way it takes my focus on my Father, the Provider, and puts it on me. It's a pretty suffocating way to live and sadly it's the norm for many. 

The second type of worry, the fork-in-blender kind is much more abrasive. When this kind of anxiety hits it's not only difficult for me to see all the God-gifts in my life but it also creates this paralyzing tunnel vision that enables me to only see all that has happened in the past that hurt me or gone wrong and all that could possibly happen in the future to harm me. It's when I am gripped by this type of worry that I tend to make decisions that are either foolish or just straight up disobedient to God. But either way I know that living in a state of constant worry, or being seized by furious storms of worry is not the way Christ calls us to live.

So how do I go from worrying obsessively about things last year, next month, and twenty years into the future to not even worrying about tomorrow? And not only that, but considering all things worthless compared to knowing Christ? Well I am definitely only in process. I was thinking today that while we are incredibly privileged to live inNorth America, because we never really wonder how we will get our daily sustenance, at the same time it seems that true, risk-taking, trust in God is a lost practice. Because we don't have to trust God for where our next meal will come from (which I don't by any means think would be an easy thing to do) we tend to think we have the rest figured out too. Where should I work? Oh I got this covered. Who should I date? I'll figure it out. How should I spend my money? However I want.
It is so easy to fall into this self-reliance, call it independence, which our culture entirely exalts, and then wonder why we are grasping for control of every square inch of our present and future yet crying out to God asking Him why He has abandoned us.

God is completely in control. So why do we fight for it so much? If worrying can't add a single hour to my life, how many hours does it actually end up taking away from me? From you? I am constantly baffled by Paul's letters to the different churches because many he wrote from prison, as one who was completely persecuted for following Christ. Yet His Greatest Joy was knowing Christ. He may have been the one in chains but he was a lot freer than most of us our. Worrying is the opposite of trust and I would say worrying crowds out joy because in order to worry, we have to stop making Christ our primary joy.

I have always loved the passage 'Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be added." Because it's so simple. It means the only thing I need to avert my tension to is seeking God and seeking to be a part of bringing His kingdom to earth and He will ensure the rest is taken care of. This is essentially the same as Paul's words about forsaking all things in order to gain Christ. It's the upside-down kind of command the Bible is full of. And it's so opposite of what all the other messages are saying. I was talking to my mom tonight and she was worrying about some work she needs to finish tomorrow, and yet rather than resting she was trying to get a head start. I do this all the time. And usually all that happens is that I get myself so worked up trying to be in control that I feel in less control than ever and less reliant on God. It's safe to say it's impossible to trust God and myself at the same time. Quite frankly our wills far too often collide for that to be effective. I have heard it said so many times 'just trust yourself, you can do it! Believe in yourself!'
 Well, no thank you. I know myself pretty will and I have done some pretty untrustworthy, unbelievable things. But God, on the other hand is completely trustworthy. I can fully believe in Him. He actually is worth putting all my faith in. So why do I constantly go back to seeking to build my own kingdom with my own hands instead of putting down my pathetic Lego blocks and allowing God to build that which will stand? I guess its the same pride that caused Satan to fall. I think I know better. So I better admit my thinking is broken, so I can fall right into Grace. And rest, I need that too.
Unless the Lord builds the house,
    those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the watchman stays awake in vain.
² It is in vain that you rise up early
    and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
    for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Psalm 127:1-2

Light-filled Eyes

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" (Matthew 6:22-24)

Does that mean that if we don't fill our eyes with light, fill ourselves with the light filled truth of Christ,with  eyes fixed on Light Himself that we will then be filled with something else that is actually darkness masquerading as light? The kind of darkness that is all encompassing, enshrouding the soul and permeating the heart to the extent that we don't even know light is something that is good - the very thing that is missing from all the dark?

When I get home in the evening my room is usually very dark when I walk in, sometimes if I haven't cleaned the floor up before I left for the day I even end up tripping over something - so I usually rush for my lamp before my eyes adjust to the dark. Naturally I would want light to illuminate the dark - to help me see so I can walk around, discern different items in my room, find my pajamas maybe even tidy up. But then at night when I get ready to go to sleep, I shut off this same lamp and after about 5 minutes my eyes adjust to the darkness. At this point I can see different shapes with some clarity so to some extent I can 'see' but the darkness still truly obscures my view. I can't see anything specific - or as it truly is. While I may be able to make out the shape of a book I can't possibly see the title, or tell what color an item of clothing is. However at night this obviously doesn't concern me and I even get comfortable in the dark, then my eyes get heacy and sleep woos me into a deeper darkness, eyes closed, the world tuned out. 

Now if someone comes barging into my comfy sleepy-eyed state and darkened room and flips on a light I would either hide my eyes under the covers or tell them to ' turn it off', my eyes stinging from the piercing brightness. The same light  earlier had wanted on as soon as possible upon entrance to my room was the very light I found disruptive and even painful once my eyes had grown accustomed to the dark.

So I think in many ways this illustration points to a spiritual reality evident in this passage. When I see darkness in my own heart, or echoing around this fallen world around me, I run for the lamp, the Light who is Christ knowing I need to be filled with light from Him so that the darkness doesn't overcome me. So I hold to His Word, and obey His Spirit and as I keep my eyes fixed on Him they are healthy - I see clearly. I can see the darkness but I call it what it is - sin. And I can see my spiritual poverty and my need for Him. But there is an Enemy to this Light that loves darkness. The world beckons, idols are made by my own hands, and I am allured. I start to think something else is light. I start to think I like life better when the light is off. In fact I start to wonder why I ever needed a Light on to see anyways. My eyes strain in the dark, they falter and flicker, but I grow accustomed to this blurry state. Maybe I am just focusing too much on my comfort, or the approval of peers, or the mark on my term paper. Maybe it's not that I'm looking to anything inherently bad, but that I look away from the Source of all good. I look away from Christ. I look to myself and when I see even the slightest chance I could do it on my own, the lie gets me won and I forget none of it's me. I forget it's all grace anyways and I think maybe this is where I should focus. Maybe this is the better vantage point. Maybe this is actually Light. My eyes grow even more strangely dim. So I pursue more comfort, more approval, better grades. But this time it's emptier, less gratifying. I'm like an addict - the craving increases with ever decreasing pleasure attained. My light has become darkness as I have filled myself with this darkness-masking-as light and have lost sight, and desire for the True Light. Reading His Word has been subtly replaced with mind-numbing episodes of some show, any show on TV and worshiping him has been replaced with over-emotional self-indulgent music. Truly authentic relationships have been replaced with superficiality. I find myself tripping over sins without even realizing it, and confusing trivial things with the eternal, because how can one see anything for what it really is, with their view all obscured without the Light?

"How great the darkness is!"

This is the state of the soul when it has adjusted to the dark, when the bright white of Christ's light no longer illuminates bearing naked all truth, but rather stings the eyes and discourages the soul. This is the soul-sick blindness of adjusting to the dark. When others try urge your gaze back to God's Word, His Truth, to the Lamp Himself,  you quickly turn it off or hide under the covers. The darkness is comfy now, and the spiritual sleep - the eternal blind state of the soul edges in. But it doesn't have to end there, because Christ is a redeemer. And He is the Light that pursues us.

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:4-5)

The eye being the lamp of the body means that we really are accountable for what we are letting our eyes look upon. And what we spend our time fixating on does matter because it is either sharpening our ability to see the beauty and the glory of the Gospel of Christ or it is making our sight and our spirits dull and blind to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus as Lord. This means that how I spend my time - all the time - matters. I don't believe there is a neutral, which means we are always moving towards magnifying Christ, or away from Him. I know I need to keep checking my heart that Jesus truly is the source of my life, and that I'm not buying into any shiny counterfeits that don't hold a candle to the Light of the world. 


Also it's super intriguing to me that this passage comes right in the middle of a passage where Jesus talks about storing up treasures in heaven rather than treasures on earth. (Matt 6:19-24) It would seem to indicate  that where your treasures are - your eyes follow. So if your treasure is Christ then of course your eyes will be illuminated by His light and will embody health. You will pursue His Word and be filled by it But if your treasure is rooted in selfish ambition, then of course you will be filled with the darkness this world treasures as light. Really darkness is space void of light, so if our treasure is not the Light of the world, Christ himself, then you are actually pursuing emptiness.


Lord, illuminate our hearts and our minds. Give us eyes wide open that stay permanently fixed on You, that they would make our entire beings full of light, Your Light. Help us to see.