Child of God clothed in Christ.

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children."
Romans 8:14-16



Tonight I was trying to decide if I would go to an evening service at Tenth church or go spend time with Jesus at a bookstore. (I love finding a corner in a book store, choosing a C.S. Lewis book and journaling.) I had a day that was pretty empty-feeling, but full of worrying a lot about the future, mostly about things I can't control. All day I had this lingering feeling that I should spend time with God - just stop doing and practice just being. All the doing wasn't helping anyways. But I put it off, believing the lie that what I was 'accomplishing' was more productive than spending time with the Creator and Sustainer of all things. Real bright I know. As I was trying to decide if I was gonna go to Tenth, even though I went to church already this morning, I tried asking my heart what it needed. "What do you need?" I yelled inward. (if that's possible) I decided I needed alone time with Jesus. But then on my way to the bus stop I realized one of the main feelings I had was loneliness  I had been on my own much of the day and I realized I just needed to be with some people. So I headed to church. The body of Christ is to build each other up right? I only caught the last half of the sermon and communion, but I realized I really love this. I love the practice of communion because it is sharing in the body of Chris with the body of Christ and it really does unite us. Also I got to see a lot of great friends and give and receive hugs and talk and be listened to. I felt loved. "Oh heart, this is what you needed." I love spending time with God in the word, or writing or praying or listening to sermons online. These are all great things. But I can never neglect the importance of spending time with other Christians - sharing in their joys and struggles and inviting them into mine. 

I got home from church and a few friends came over to hang out with my roommates and I joined. I was chatting happily with one friend about the ins and outs of learning to love and communicate with my fiance and was saying how even though we have arguments and have to sometimes fight through issues, I get to see so much growth and change in us both. It's one thing to go through relational struggles and get no where. It's another to be moving forward and on to new heights. She nodded in agreement and then said "Yeah, and maybe most powerful of all, really knowing you're loved completely changes your perception." I agreed quickly that it did but I noticed my mind immediately went to how in the same way, if you don't know your loved that also really defines your perception. I know I naturally went there because this is something I frequently struggle with. Really believing I am loved. By God and by people. 

After the conversation ended I went to my room and kept twisting those poignant words around in my mind. Chewing on them but not quite ready to or sure how to digest them. How often do I really feel loved? How much do I assume I am not? How much do I feel defined not by love but by rejection? As I whispered these questions to God I realized that much of the angst I feel both in my own heart and in relationships with others is because I am so quick to feel like I can lose my belovedness. Now I know people are fickle and sometimes they show affirmation and affection while other times they leave you feeling totally shafted or rejected. But even then I would say there are those steadfast people in our lives who really, truly love us and who's love doesn't change with their emotions. However, even though there are steadfast, loving people, even they cannot help me retain my sense of identity as being beloved. Because none of them actually have the power to make me someone who is defined by being loved. Only God can. 

Maybe the opposite of fear is love. 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Cause if there is no fear in love then one could assume you cannot both know you're loved and be fearful at the same time. As I reflected on situations where I was fear rejection from a friend or want to avoid certain people in my life I realized I was not believing I was loved, which made it impossible for me to love them. It's essential as a core identity to believe I am an adopted child of God completely and entirely loved if I am going to be able to give or receive that love from others. What an empowering feeling it is to be loved. It's a paradox because it is humbling to receive love from a God knowing you're unworthy of it. Yet at the same time I never feel more joy or empowerment than when I receive this gracious gift. 

So maybe it's like this. Even though I have gotten dressed all of my life when I get up in the morning, I still have to get dressed again tomorrow. Similarly, even though I learned today (and many yesterdays) that I am dearly loved by God, I will need to remind myself again tomorrow. I guess that's why we are called to put on Christ. It's kinda a daily thing. If I want love to define me, I need my Christ-clothes on. (Romans 13:14)