Learning Trust

 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6:31-34

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 
- Philippians 3:8

So I worry a lot. It depends on the day but sometimes it's a constant hum of worry like the sound of the dishwasher running in the background. Not enough to jolt me alert, but enough to drown out the sound of the birds or a roommate talking in the next room. When I worry like that I get kinda numb to it, barely noticing it.  but it's enough to drown out life's music. And the voice of the Father. On these days I just live in the hazy shallowness of my unsteady breathing and drink in the sighs that come in like ocean waves. It just feels normal. But then there is the panic worry, this is like a tidal wave that is far more poignant than the dishwasher. It's more like a fork in a blender. It's jarring, alarming and overwhelms all other sights and sounds.

 It is only this last year that I have really recognized that these types of worry are really just two different levels of not trusting God. The hum-type worry is usually the fruit of way too much focus on myself, not nearly enough focus on Christ and certainly not enough attention to loving those around me. It's the blind kind of worry that causes me to overlook most of the blessings in my life and see only the potential for loss on the horizon. Either way it takes my focus on my Father, the Provider, and puts it on me. It's a pretty suffocating way to live and sadly it's the norm for many. 

The second type of worry, the fork-in-blender kind is much more abrasive. When this kind of anxiety hits it's not only difficult for me to see all the God-gifts in my life but it also creates this paralyzing tunnel vision that enables me to only see all that has happened in the past that hurt me or gone wrong and all that could possibly happen in the future to harm me. It's when I am gripped by this type of worry that I tend to make decisions that are either foolish or just straight up disobedient to God. But either way I know that living in a state of constant worry, or being seized by furious storms of worry is not the way Christ calls us to live.

So how do I go from worrying obsessively about things last year, next month, and twenty years into the future to not even worrying about tomorrow? And not only that, but considering all things worthless compared to knowing Christ? Well I am definitely only in process. I was thinking today that while we are incredibly privileged to live inNorth America, because we never really wonder how we will get our daily sustenance, at the same time it seems that true, risk-taking, trust in God is a lost practice. Because we don't have to trust God for where our next meal will come from (which I don't by any means think would be an easy thing to do) we tend to think we have the rest figured out too. Where should I work? Oh I got this covered. Who should I date? I'll figure it out. How should I spend my money? However I want.
It is so easy to fall into this self-reliance, call it independence, which our culture entirely exalts, and then wonder why we are grasping for control of every square inch of our present and future yet crying out to God asking Him why He has abandoned us.

God is completely in control. So why do we fight for it so much? If worrying can't add a single hour to my life, how many hours does it actually end up taking away from me? From you? I am constantly baffled by Paul's letters to the different churches because many he wrote from prison, as one who was completely persecuted for following Christ. Yet His Greatest Joy was knowing Christ. He may have been the one in chains but he was a lot freer than most of us our. Worrying is the opposite of trust and I would say worrying crowds out joy because in order to worry, we have to stop making Christ our primary joy.

I have always loved the passage 'Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be added." Because it's so simple. It means the only thing I need to avert my tension to is seeking God and seeking to be a part of bringing His kingdom to earth and He will ensure the rest is taken care of. This is essentially the same as Paul's words about forsaking all things in order to gain Christ. It's the upside-down kind of command the Bible is full of. And it's so opposite of what all the other messages are saying. I was talking to my mom tonight and she was worrying about some work she needs to finish tomorrow, and yet rather than resting she was trying to get a head start. I do this all the time. And usually all that happens is that I get myself so worked up trying to be in control that I feel in less control than ever and less reliant on God. It's safe to say it's impossible to trust God and myself at the same time. Quite frankly our wills far too often collide for that to be effective. I have heard it said so many times 'just trust yourself, you can do it! Believe in yourself!'
 Well, no thank you. I know myself pretty will and I have done some pretty untrustworthy, unbelievable things. But God, on the other hand is completely trustworthy. I can fully believe in Him. He actually is worth putting all my faith in. So why do I constantly go back to seeking to build my own kingdom with my own hands instead of putting down my pathetic Lego blocks and allowing God to build that which will stand? I guess its the same pride that caused Satan to fall. I think I know better. So I better admit my thinking is broken, so I can fall right into Grace. And rest, I need that too.
Unless the Lord builds the house,
    those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the watchman stays awake in vain.
² It is in vain that you rise up early
    and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
    for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Psalm 127:1-2

Light-filled Eyes

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" (Matthew 6:22-24)

Does that mean that if we don't fill our eyes with light, fill ourselves with the light filled truth of Christ,with  eyes fixed on Light Himself that we will then be filled with something else that is actually darkness masquerading as light? The kind of darkness that is all encompassing, enshrouding the soul and permeating the heart to the extent that we don't even know light is something that is good - the very thing that is missing from all the dark?

When I get home in the evening my room is usually very dark when I walk in, sometimes if I haven't cleaned the floor up before I left for the day I even end up tripping over something - so I usually rush for my lamp before my eyes adjust to the dark. Naturally I would want light to illuminate the dark - to help me see so I can walk around, discern different items in my room, find my pajamas maybe even tidy up. But then at night when I get ready to go to sleep, I shut off this same lamp and after about 5 minutes my eyes adjust to the darkness. At this point I can see different shapes with some clarity so to some extent I can 'see' but the darkness still truly obscures my view. I can't see anything specific - or as it truly is. While I may be able to make out the shape of a book I can't possibly see the title, or tell what color an item of clothing is. However at night this obviously doesn't concern me and I even get comfortable in the dark, then my eyes get heacy and sleep woos me into a deeper darkness, eyes closed, the world tuned out. 

Now if someone comes barging into my comfy sleepy-eyed state and darkened room and flips on a light I would either hide my eyes under the covers or tell them to ' turn it off', my eyes stinging from the piercing brightness. The same light  earlier had wanted on as soon as possible upon entrance to my room was the very light I found disruptive and even painful once my eyes had grown accustomed to the dark.

So I think in many ways this illustration points to a spiritual reality evident in this passage. When I see darkness in my own heart, or echoing around this fallen world around me, I run for the lamp, the Light who is Christ knowing I need to be filled with light from Him so that the darkness doesn't overcome me. So I hold to His Word, and obey His Spirit and as I keep my eyes fixed on Him they are healthy - I see clearly. I can see the darkness but I call it what it is - sin. And I can see my spiritual poverty and my need for Him. But there is an Enemy to this Light that loves darkness. The world beckons, idols are made by my own hands, and I am allured. I start to think something else is light. I start to think I like life better when the light is off. In fact I start to wonder why I ever needed a Light on to see anyways. My eyes strain in the dark, they falter and flicker, but I grow accustomed to this blurry state. Maybe I am just focusing too much on my comfort, or the approval of peers, or the mark on my term paper. Maybe it's not that I'm looking to anything inherently bad, but that I look away from the Source of all good. I look away from Christ. I look to myself and when I see even the slightest chance I could do it on my own, the lie gets me won and I forget none of it's me. I forget it's all grace anyways and I think maybe this is where I should focus. Maybe this is the better vantage point. Maybe this is actually Light. My eyes grow even more strangely dim. So I pursue more comfort, more approval, better grades. But this time it's emptier, less gratifying. I'm like an addict - the craving increases with ever decreasing pleasure attained. My light has become darkness as I have filled myself with this darkness-masking-as light and have lost sight, and desire for the True Light. Reading His Word has been subtly replaced with mind-numbing episodes of some show, any show on TV and worshiping him has been replaced with over-emotional self-indulgent music. Truly authentic relationships have been replaced with superficiality. I find myself tripping over sins without even realizing it, and confusing trivial things with the eternal, because how can one see anything for what it really is, with their view all obscured without the Light?

"How great the darkness is!"

This is the state of the soul when it has adjusted to the dark, when the bright white of Christ's light no longer illuminates bearing naked all truth, but rather stings the eyes and discourages the soul. This is the soul-sick blindness of adjusting to the dark. When others try urge your gaze back to God's Word, His Truth, to the Lamp Himself,  you quickly turn it off or hide under the covers. The darkness is comfy now, and the spiritual sleep - the eternal blind state of the soul edges in. But it doesn't have to end there, because Christ is a redeemer. And He is the Light that pursues us.

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:4-5)

The eye being the lamp of the body means that we really are accountable for what we are letting our eyes look upon. And what we spend our time fixating on does matter because it is either sharpening our ability to see the beauty and the glory of the Gospel of Christ or it is making our sight and our spirits dull and blind to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus as Lord. This means that how I spend my time - all the time - matters. I don't believe there is a neutral, which means we are always moving towards magnifying Christ, or away from Him. I know I need to keep checking my heart that Jesus truly is the source of my life, and that I'm not buying into any shiny counterfeits that don't hold a candle to the Light of the world. 


Also it's super intriguing to me that this passage comes right in the middle of a passage where Jesus talks about storing up treasures in heaven rather than treasures on earth. (Matt 6:19-24) It would seem to indicate  that where your treasures are - your eyes follow. So if your treasure is Christ then of course your eyes will be illuminated by His light and will embody health. You will pursue His Word and be filled by it But if your treasure is rooted in selfish ambition, then of course you will be filled with the darkness this world treasures as light. Really darkness is space void of light, so if our treasure is not the Light of the world, Christ himself, then you are actually pursuing emptiness.


Lord, illuminate our hearts and our minds. Give us eyes wide open that stay permanently fixed on You, that they would make our entire beings full of light, Your Light. Help us to see.

Beauty, Battles, and Armor

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. " (Ephesians 6:10-11)
 "For we are not unaware of his schemes."( 2 Corinthians 2:11)

I was skipping home last night pretty much happier than ever. I was completely overcome with joy just reflecting on day's events and all that God had done. I had just had coffee with a new friend and the entire conversation had been God-saturated and God-led, so naturally it was incredibly edifying to us both. In addition it had just been a people-filled day and not the kind that drags on and drains you emotionally, physically or spiritually, but the kind that  causes you to feel simply elated at being blessed with such rich and vital relationships. I was quite literally singing in my heart (to an Audrey Assad song on my ipod) and if it wasn't the sketchy commercial/broadway area that I have to walk home from it's quite likely I would have been singing out loud. I was proclaiming God's goodness in my heart and thanking Him with absolute abandon for Who He is and the mighty ways He acts, works and pursues His beloved children. Sometimes I just melt into the awe of His worthiness, my unworthiness just getting soaked right up into the expanse of a Holy God. 

Then there was this little flicker thought in my mind. "This was such a joyful, God-inspired day where your eyes were wide open to Him, be aware that the next day you are usually harsh-tempted and often attacked." I kinda just brushed this thought aside as I seemed to float home not noticing the dark alleys, drunk and high folks to my right and to my left. Quite often after a major God-day where I know I have been listening to His voice and walking in obedience in big and small ways I have nightmares, which I find is generally a pretty blatant ploy of the enemy so I can call it what it is. Well I didn't have bad dreams last night, but I did spend about an hour on my computer not doing my devotions but looking at a certain lace top online that I wanted to buy. I refrained from actually purchasing anything, but once I realized how much time I had wasted I felt pretty discouraged because it felt so subtle I totally missed seeing how I was being tempted away from God. I'm currently fasting from watching any media even though I barely watched anything as it was because I just don't see any fruit from filling myself with more 'world' when I am surrounded by it and saturated with it every where I go each day and what I really need is more 'Word'. ironically I didn't think to include looking at websites that might have pretty things I would want to add to my excess so I didn't even realize I was wasting so much time and contemplating wasting money. Time I could have been spending with the Lord, filling myself with His Truth, I spent believing a lie and filling myself with more lies. I remember once when I felt like God was asking me to spend a lot less time getting pretty in the morning I realized (finally) that it wasn't just cause He hates make-up and nice clothes or something, but it's that the time I spend primping myself is time I could have been spending allowing Him to cultivate beauty in my soul. (1 Peter 3:3)

 Ok, I know it's like the classic girl struggle but I have decided that just doesn't make it alright. God's word is pretty clear that beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30) The tough/sad thing is that when I have shared this stuff with other women, rarely have I had it affirmed that this self-obsession with beauty and appearance is not only a waste of time but is actually disobedient to God. In fact I have often found that after opening up about this dilemma, I am actually affirmed that it is more than ok to invest my time in making myself look pretty. Now I'm not saying we should just roll out of bed and into our Bibles so that we remain pure before God (though I'm beginning to think that's not a bad idea) but I don't think in a culture so obsessed with beauty, image, and physical perfection that any of us need to be affirmed in our preoccupations about beauty. What we need is more of God's Word and less of what our spiritual diet regularly consists of. How many of us walk around all day interacting with people, going to work, school, or whatever it is and thinking I wonder how I look, wow that girl is way prettier than I am, I wish I had those pants, I wonder if that guy was looking at me, and so on... What those thoughts are other than just being sinful and selfish are completely us buying into the enemies schemes. The lies we have been told and now tells ourselves.

The way that we fight the enemy's schemes is with the armor of God and the sword of the spirit is God's WORD. (Eph 6:17) So basically if are all filled up with the lies - the lies we were told as kids, the lies we are fed in movies and TV  the lies of our culture than there will not be room in our hearts for God's Word, and thus when the enemy attacks us with his schemes we won't even recognize them as lies. When God gave the Israelites His commandments he was serious about them knowing His Word. 

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates." (Deut 6:5-9)

God was serious about them knowing His word, being word-saturated people. John Piper always says "surround yourself with Bible-saturated people, and you will become one too." Well those people are tough to find! It's easy to find culture-saturated people who know a bit about the Bible, but seeking out those with the kind of fervency to know God's word, to let it really become their sword in this constant spiritual battle are truly rare. But that's what we're called to, and that is the only thing that will empower us to fight the enemies schemes. Specifically the enemies schemes to make us so pre-occupied with our looks and with ourselves that we miss out on becoming the Godly women (and men) that God is calling us (and commands us) to be.

The Beautiful Tapestry of Redemption

 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

-Matt 7:7-11

 After just blogging today about the importance of confronting idols of the heart, I found myself faced with a couple of my own and definitely not wanting to confess, repent or turn from them. I was feeling incredibly anxious, so I was talking to my fiance, Jordan, about it. He asked me why I was anxious and suggested I ask God. I paused and internally asked the Lord why I might be feeling anxious and I got the strong sense it had to do with the ways I have been handling my finances which I had felt convicted about for quite a while but have been struggling to actually change deeply-ingrained irresponsible patterns. As we then talked about how I should deal with that and what I thought God maybe wanted me to do it occurred to me, it's not just money, it's relationships, it's time, its...a lack of faith. Tears started streaming down my face as I confessed to Jordan that I was having a difficult time trusting God in a lot of areas of my life, as even my sleeping has been very disrupted by nightmares and other spiritual attacks. I had grown weary of asking God to bring peace, and provide me with relief, and rest. In many ways I had stopped trusting. As a result of this lack of trust, I had been trying to figure out how I could control all these things outside of my control which leads to anxiety and frustration and more of a desire to be in control. Add people-pleasing to this and even the smallest decision seems like a mountain. Even tonight I was having a difficult time trying to decide whether I should go to a friends wedding shower, go to the women's small group I'm a part of or just go work out. Personally, I just wanted to go work out, not deal with people and quite frankly working out makes me feel better about myself. At least temporarily. Jordan looked at me with his usual tender concern. "Have you asked God what to do?"

     "Well, I think so." I answered somewhat automatically. "Actually, I don't know, maybe I haven't."

 "Leeanne, you know that He will give you an answer, right?" I didn't know whether we were talking about the evening's plans or my life in general.

 "Yeah I geuss, I just feel like it's hard to know what God is saying, I so often assume He is just going to ask me to give up exactly what I want. That He will just say 'no'. I think I have this warped belief that God wants to take away what i love."

"Do you really think that's true? That God wants to take away all the things you love?"

"Well.." I answered slowly, " Only if I love them more than Him."

"Well that's true. But isn't that only because loving them more than Him isn't their proper place. That's not what they were made for." Jordan answered quietly. I was about to answer but stopped and whispered a prayer in my heart.

"So, Jord if we are always supposed to do what is most glorifying to God, then I know if I go work out I will feel better for now, which will likely reinforce the lie that I feel better when I work out which causes me to put my hope in myself, my physical appearance, or in that activity instead of God. If I go to the wedding shower I know that I won't be very comfortable because I don't know a lot of the people so I know I won't be super edifying to those who are there. But when I go to the small group it always brings life to me and also God has used me in it to bring hope to others. Ok that's definitely what I should do."

Jordan just smiled, knowingly like he had figured all along what I should and would ultimately do. Then he furrowed his brow and said, "Leeanne, you have to be desperate. it's not just about this. It's about all those things that distract you from God. From money, to the future, all of it. You have to go to Him and nothing else, otherwise you'll keep getting crushed by the false hopes you place your trust in. You need to pray and pursue Him like He is all you have. Because He is." I began down my path of defensiveness that usually awakened when I am confronted.

 " But I am desperate, I don't think it's dependent on how I pray but on God's power."

 "Well yes of course but God knows when our hearts are sincere. And he is so much more interested in the motives of your heart than in the words you say. Just keep seeking Him"


We continued talking for a while and reached the conclusion that Jordan definitely was making some wise points but that I really needed to believe in the goodness of  God as a Father I was going to be able to pray with the kind of desperate abandon I need to and truly trust in the One I pray to. After Jordan left I went to  small group and as soon as I got there I was introduced to a new woman I had never met before. I didn't think much of it as we started our John Piper lesson on fighting for joy. Even as we listened to the sermon together I felt my heart softening to God's word. Piper was talking about the importance of reading great theologians like John Wesley and Martin Luther and John Calvin to keep our minds and hearts freshly filled with the vastness, majesty, and beauty  of God. He then talked about the importance of recognizing persecution as divinely appointed and understanding the reality of the suffering the early church martyrs underwent as well as our Christian family all around the world. When we hear their stories, we too are impacted in such a way enables us to more fully grasp that Jesus truly is worth everything, even our very lives. I felt humbled and awakened as I soaked up the teaching. After it was over the new lady in our group asked a question that shocked me, "what is sin?" I had assumed we were all Christians there and that everyone in the group knew the answer to that question. This wasn't the case I started to understand as we began discussing this, that she was not a Christian and had just been invited to start coming to this small group and knew virtually nothing about Jesus. We talked to her about how sin is not just the 'bad' things we do like lying, stealing, cheating, etc but that it is the natural heart condition of mankind. That we have a bent in us towards darkness, that the human heart truly is full of wickedness and it's out of this wrecked state that we sin. This of course led to discussion of our need for a savior, because without seeing how wretched we are we don't see how needy we are for Christ. The next thing she asked was more about the context of different sin, and how wevcan know if we sin. At that point our small group leader discerned that we needed to make this evening's group a testimony night. She began by telling her story and then we went around the room as each woman shared the story of her salvation.

God rocked my socks off. The stories I heard of brokenness  abuse, neglect, addiction, hopelessness, despair and the incredible trans formative power of the Gospel left all of us in tears. The depth, breadth and reality of the Gospel swept through that room with uncanny authority. I saw glimpses of my own stories in each of the ladies' lives and was brought to my knees reveling at the mercy and grace of our God. One girl's story of adultery in her marriage and the reconciling power of Christ had her crying as she spoke only not out of anguish, as I was expecting, but rather out of complete awe at the profoundly beautiful work of God in her marriage that left her saying " I wouldn't trade any of it for the world." Oh that I would go through suffering, betrayal and pain yet proclaim, "If this glorifies Christ and makes me more like Him, it was all worth it." When I shared my story I cried though much of it, feeling a renewed sense of profound gratitude for God's mercy and a deep sense of His love in the depths of where we all had come from, and where He brought us. There wasn't a single story that didn't have the resounding imprint of God's sovereignty all over it. None of us are His by mistake. We're all mysteriously woven into the tapestry He is creating with our lives.  As the evening ended with prayer and hugs a new kind of intimacy lingered in the room. The kind of intimacy that bleeds out with vulnerability. The kind that unites hearts and binds lives together. And as I looked around in reflection of the night God had given me simply in His grace as I chose to trust Him in such an incredibly small way, and chose to reveal my desperation for him to a few women equally desperate for Him, I was freshly awakened to the goodness of my heavenly Father. He does give good gifts to His children, maybe not what I think I want, but His will always has been, and always will  be, far better than mine.

Lord in all situations, take my desires captive so that they become what you desire. Then fulfill them. You are my delight. (Ps 37:4)

My thankfulness is without measure. What a generous God.

Idolatry: When the heart spills over

"Dear children, keep yourselves from idols."

- John 5:21

For most of my life when I heard the word “idolatry” I thought of the golden calf the ancient Israelites worshiped when they were rebelling against God (Exodus 32). Or I thought of other religions like Hinduism that boast of several million gods (idols). It has only been  these last couple years that I have really come to see how much Christians actually struggle with deeply destructive idols of the heart. It was after reading Timothy Keller’s “Counterfeit gods” and learning a lot from a couple pastor friends of mine about the nature of idolatry that it started to surface in my mind as something so prevalent, no Christ-follower can ignore it.

Now our idols may not look like golden calves and they may not be an object we quite literally bow down to, but they are just as real, and just as offensive to God.

 This past week one of my teachers talked in depth about the nature of idolatry. All of the sins we struggle with on a daily basis: lust, greed, fear, control, gossip, anger, addictions – whatever your vice may be – they come from a root, and that root is attached to an idol. The best way to discover what these idols are is to ask yourself “What do I think I must have in my life to be truly happy?” or “What, if I don’t get it, makes me incredibly angry?”  If you answer these questions honestly, you will likely find out what some of your idols are. So for instance, if you find yourself struggling with anger, and you ask yourself what it is that makes you angry you may be surprised what you find. For myself I know that when I am late to meet someone or when I am challenged on something in my life (whether valid or not) I tend to react in frustration, anger and anxiety. When I asked myself why I had these negative, sinful, hurtful reactions I realized that ‘appearing’ like I have it all together is more important to me than actually being real about what’s going on in a situation. God has really been working on me in this area as I know that to let people speak into my life, to accept I will fail, to know I can never ‘please’ everybody I need to be willing to surrender this idol. It was pretty useless trying to stop the negative reactions without confessing this idol. I have had success for a while, like maybe a day or two but then I inevitably go back to those sinful patterns because I haven’t surrendered the idols of image, perfectionism and performance.

An analogy I've heard used for those situations that cause our idols to surface is that it’s like there is a cup, and inside the cup is what’s really going on in our hearts. When we encounter people or situations that cause those negative, sinful reactions to surface it is simply a matter of tipping the cup over to reveal its contents. No one makes us react sinfully, for out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45) I know that when I react to someone in anger, which usually most occurs with the people I love the most, I am revealing the contents of my heart. It is not who we appear to be that defines our character, but the way that we are when we are put in those situations that reveal our heart. I know I don’t want to be a whitewashed tomb as the Pharisees were revealed  to be when Jesus challenged them saying “ You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. (Matt 23:27-28) The reason Jesus dealt so fiercely with the heart was because he knew that in our nature we would try to ‘appear’ righteous often choosing that over actually allowing him to transform our hearts even though Jesus came to give us new hearts. The circumstances in our life that cause our cups to spill are the trials and suffering that reveal your idols can either be crushing, if you try to deny or cover them up or they can be the catalyst of new growth that leads to deeper purity of heart and truer intimacy with God. The trials are meant to refine us, not destroy us.

So how to we repent of our idols?

Well I believe it is completely impossible to do this on our own. First of all even when we realize our idolatrous heart we cannot stop there. “For every one look at our sin we need to take ten looks at the cross.” We can never count on our own ability to be righteous, that’s why we must go to Christ and count on His being righteous for us and empowering us to grow daily in Him through sanctification by His Spirit, not our strength. (Philippians 3:9) Also, it is one thing to try to be rigorously honest with yourself and allow all the muck and mess of your heart spill out but quite another to allow someone else to see the shame and sin in your heart and love you towards Christ. I think in our individualistic culture we prefer to ‘deal with things on our own’ when in reality we cannot actually do this. That is we we are told” confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16) So even if your thinking, ‘no that confession stuff isn't for me, I can just work through this alone…’ be aware that’s such a lie from the Enemy who in no way desires for you to be released from the bondage of pride and the idols in your heart. Jesus came to set us free, and this freedom goes so much deeper than behavior modification. He wants our hearts, ever single square inch. I pray that you would allow God to confront the idols of your heart that you would know the Love and mercy of God that can break every chain and restore Christ as your First Love.

Today I am thankful for the circumstances that confront my idols and the trials that further refine me and lead me to the cross, again and again. I am thankful knowing that Christ always offers more grace, and it is sufficient.

forgiveness, friends, and phone companies

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

-Ephesians 4:32

                    *     *     *

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone...  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. "

-Romans 12:17-18,21

Forgiveness

This passage on forgiveness has been on my heart a lot this past week because, well, people are human. We tend to scrape and bump and bruise each other - coincidentally and on purpose. We push the painful buttons on the ones we love, point out their faults, and perhaps worst of all, we forget to affirm their strengths and appreciate their gifts. I live with four female roommates, who are all very different and I know our differences grind on each other at times. It's so easy to let a few trivial offences (or non-offences) build up to the point that they start to burn bitter in our hearts. I have heard it said that "resentment is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person will die." As many times as I have heard that saying I habitually hold on to my petty resentments and little insults, many of which are only imagined. I have found myself lately especially struggling to be compassionate, and it occurred to me that I have this belief that someone must 'deserve' compassion in order for me to be compassionate to them. The huge error in this is that it places me in the position of judge, which is a position only God can hold. Truly, if one has to 'earn' compassion, than none of us would be able to receive God's grace which is bestowed entirely out of His generosity, definitely not because it is 'deserved'. So when I decide I don't want to be compassionate  much less forgive others, I need to remember the compassion Christ had on me to accept me by His grace, and the forgiveness he has bestowed me (for FAR) worse offences. (Matt 6:14-15) Really, when I choose not to forgive someone, I'm trapped in a place of pride and hardness of heart that will absolutely block my relationship with God. That alone is reason enough to forgive. But in addition, I know when I release others from my perfectionistic expectations and choose to love them even in those moments they bump up against me the wrong way, (knowing they do they same with me) I am not only at peace with God, I am at peace with others - and Biblically speaking, these two are inseparable. (1 John 4:11)

Friends

~Thankful~

heart-to-hearts with Roomie-Diane

phone calls in the nick of time

secrets kept and secrets shared

peaceful, engaging learning moments

feeling understood

practicing patience

sushi and coffee dates

walk and talks

praying together

it being ok to cry

knowing your loved, even when your mean

listening well

knowing hugs await my weary arms

life is most beautiful, shared

Phone Companies

Today I was on the phone with Rogers customer service for almost two hours. I don't know if it's possible to think loving, gracious thoughts when you're being put on hold for 40 mins at a time, being hung up on, being told your bill is an obscene amount and basically being told 'tough luck'. Well, I kept thinking of that passage in Romans 12 and asking God 'does live at peace with everyone even mean with people who work at cell-phone companies?' I sensed the answer was a resounding 'yes' but that didn't magically make it easy to be kind on the phone. That feeling your being cheated, or robbed or wronged in some way runs so deep. I couldn't help but wonder if I was really mad at Rogers or if it was my perpetual sense of ingratitude and entitlement coming out. 'I deserve' seems to somehow have gotten imprinted on my mind, and it's hard to shake. Eve thought she deserved more than ALL the other fruit in Eden, so she listened to the lie of the Enemy. How often is the sin in our lives a result of the whispered lie "you deserve more..." Is that what the man thinks who cheats on his wife? Is that what the boy thinks before he plays his 6th hour of video games? Is that what the woman thinks before she buys yet more clothes to add to her excess? Is that what young man things before he indulges in pornography? I think it's also in the 'less obvious' (but not necessarily lesser) sins of lashing out at a friend or spouse. Or ignoring that person we don't exactly like being around. It's living in the Enemy's lies of entitlement and ingratitude. Usually when people accuse God of being unfair they are referring to all of the pain and suffering in their lives. Well what about all the good? All of the gifts? Did I deserve to wake up in a nice warm bed this morning? Did I deserve to be able to see out of both my eyes, hear out of both my ears? The truth is, if we spent more time marveling that we have ALL that God has given us, we would spend less time looking over the fence at what we don't have, or snapping at Rogers as though 'I deserve' an easier time of it, when in fact time itself is but God's grace. I want to encourage you to focus on what God has given you (even the difficult moments) and when you hear the darting tongue of the liar, Satan, silence him with gratitude.

Lord open our eyes to the beauty in every waking moment. Let the loudest whisper in our hearts be the sound of Your voice, the voice of a Father. Sanctify us by your Word, your Word is Truth. (John 17:17)


"Here dies another day

During which I have had eyes, ears, hands

And the great world round me;

And with tomorrow begins another.

Why am I allowed two?"

-G.K. Chesterton

Why I need to start a blog

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Thesselonians 5:16-18

I have been reading a wonderful book by Anne Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts." Essentially I have been continuously floored by her raw, passionate commitment to living a life of gratitude. The book follows the journey of a farmer's wife who has gone through a tremendous amount of grief in her life and in many ways had been defined by fear, anxiety, and doubt until she discovered that in order to really recognize God in the every-day moments, you have to pause long enough to thank Him for, well, everything. The saying 'all is grace' took on new meaning for me as I felt like I was literally watching the author's wounded, bitter heart be transformed into a heart constantly pursuing and reflecting God's Glory.
I was looking back at some of my 'thankfuls' over Christmas and I can't help but smile. So many vivid experiences of God's blessings on my life.
302. Bright red nails glimmer

303. Fizzy, cool iced ginger ale.

304. Abba Father Creator God wastes nothing.

305. Still-calm water reflecting persevering hues of sunlight.

...

313. Soft hearts being tested

312. Growing towards love

313. Pink flowers and white cream beauty.

314. Being okay with this moment

315. Pillow fitted to sore neck

316. Prayerful discussion leading forward

I am pretty sure I have talked my friends to death about this book, but it really has been changing the way I view life. I tend to focus pretty naturally, almost automatically on things that are going wrong in my life. My autopilot seems to be geared toward the negative, so the prospect of living in a state of constant gratefulness is both appealing, and is definitely taking some strenuous effort. However, like the Bible verse stated above, it is obviously God's will that I live a life of thankfulness so I know this effort is worthwhile. This leads me, however to my need to write a blog. I tend to write a lot on my computer in 'journal' form. However, lately I have found myself slacking, and I have always thought if I had a blog I may be more committed to the daily art of soul searching. The psalmist David said to the Lord, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." What I have found is that when I journal, I keep a clean heart before God because I am forced to be completely open with Him. Also, journaling pushing me to 'name the gifts' in my life, and thank God for the beauty that He offers me when I actually bother to see it.

Seriously every time I sit down to read a chapter of one thousand gifts, it makes me cry. But today I was thinking how useless those tears are if they don't motivate me to actually LIVE a grateful life. Until the first words off my lips in the morning are praise and thankfulness to God (I strongly dislike mornings), I cannot say i have 'learned' to live in gratitude. And it really is learned. The same way those stubborn bad habits in our lives didn't turn up overnight, so with forming God-glorifying habits, it takes repetition and consistency. It's been said that only another habit can drive out a habit. So I am seeking to replace my habitual ingratitude and criticism with thanksgiving and humility. So far I have had a few days where I remember to be on the lookout for God-gifts, but more days than not I stumble back into the life that there isn't enough, that I'm not enough. But even in those seeming set-backs I am reminded of the constancy and faithfulness of God when I am constantly the opposite. It kinda gets me right back to at least the begging of gratitude. At those times I whisper a 'thank you' until He strengthens my voice to speak it out boldly. I So I would like to invite you into this messy, strengthening, real journey of seeking to live thankfully. I will share my struggles, my victories and all that's in between, and this will be the place I name those gifts that spill over and I hope they splash right over into your lives too.  I really am convinced, that true gratitude always births hope. And hope built on the generosity of God will never disappoint.

A few more gifts from my journal...

317. Hollywood snowflakes

318. Identity reaffirmed - I am but Christ's.

319. Cuddling with giggles, playful teasing.

320. Eyes wet with tears leaking vulnerability.

321. Giving = more joy-filled than receiving. 

322. Moves towards transparency

323. Intimate moments, hearts shared gushing open.

324. Hope filled eyes brimming with wonder

325. Mercies anew like the bright morning sun

330. The beautiful release of forgiveness. Both giving and receiving.

331. That Jesus made a place for me in His home.

332.  Freedom to be unselfish.

336. That first glimpse of his curly locks and puffy coat. 

337. Empowered surrender and trust in my King.

338. Breathe. Im loved.

339. Knowing He is sovereign AND good.